Thinking Back...To When The Hole in my Heart Disappeared
Lost in thought tonight, I realized the hole that I felt for so long is gone.
I am 29 years old and had met my biological family (aunts, uncles and cousins) as well as an aunt who I lost as fast as I got her back, almost 2 years ago for the first time since I was a baby. Only a few days after I met her, she passed away on July 5 from a long battle with cancer, and I am still heartbroken yet happy to have had the chance to meet her.
Though definitely not as heartboken, probably as those who were close to her. I may not have know her long but I have been wishing for her for as long as I could remember. Not just her but anyone who is Family and who loved me and really was a part of me. I wish I knew her like they did. I wish I remembered her from when I was little, or had the chance to hug her or hear her voice or see her smile in person.
I was brought home to my adopted family at 15 months and adopted legally around 3 years old. My adopted parents told me when I was old enough to understand after I had found a picture of me with a name that wasn't mine on the back. I asked questions but got nothing for answers. Probably an "I don't know" or something.
Then, shortly after that, I found the names of my immediate family in a file and searched for them off and on for about 13 years. I've seen the website page that had the info that led me to my aunt before but never saw the connection. Maybe it wasn't time yet. Don't get me wrong. I was adopted for a reason and the people who took me home weren't bad by any means.
I have always been loved by my new family through good times and the more bad times. I have been extremely lucky in life and unlucky also at times. I have been through a lot and survived. Even though sometimes I think barely.
I don't really know how to describe it but I had been living with a hole in my heart as long as I can remember. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere. Even with the family I've been a part of my whole life almost. I know that sounds weird but I've always been hyper aware that I've been placed into the family not born into it. I am horrible at small talk. I avoid family gatherings if possible. I hide. I used to get scolded because I would bring a book or magazine to places as a way of separating myself. Actually I still do but now it's a cell phone and Bingo games lol.
I love my families. Adopted and biological, even though I have not seen them more than twice. And I am grateful for everything my adopted mother has given me because I know how special it was to be adopted by her. She told me she wanted me from first sight. From the first time she looked at the picture she was given of me. She is an amazing woman and probably will never give up on me and my brother.
I did meet a brother and sister of mine while I was in 9th grade and for a while felt better. Like I belonged somewhere. Then we went our separate ways after high school. Sure we talk still but not as much as I would hope. We are all very busy with our lives.
I still feel as though something is missing and maybe if I meet my other brothers and sister will I feel more whole but that maybe it will or won't happen. Depends on what is planned.
I do believe that I got the chance to meet my aunt before she left us for Heaven, because I hoped and prayed to be able to see her and jumped at the (crazy to some) notion to drive two hours to see her before I'd regret not going. I'm so happy I did and I believe she was too. I only hope it meant half as much to her as it did for me. I was given her because I needed her. I was losing a battle with myself and my hope.
And the best part is that my family accepted me as family and I have a chance to keep in touch and build somewhat of a relationship with them.
I look forward to our future. Whether these few meetings I've had be our only chance to mingle or many others to come, Im going to be ok. I just know it.
I still will never forget the day I found them. On Facebook no less. Haha. And how I thought for hours and days on how to approach them. And the message I sent my aunt and the fear afterward. I checked my phone like a fiend. I was shaky and nervous and anxious. Then relief at last when I got a message from her son and knew that everything was going to work out great. They all were excited. Thank God. I don't know what I'd do if I was rejected. But that's what I was expecting. Or to be ignored. Maybe its because of my experiences but it felt good to be surprised and it totally renewed my outlook on my life.
I could probably almost never be as happy as I was that day I found them. I wish my family could be here or at least closer but knowing they are really out there helps. And so does Facebook and Instagram to keep in touch. I even have another amazing aunt and uncle who are always sending stuff to me and my kids and never forget a birthday card. It's nice to feel loved and a part of the family. I only hope I can return the favor some day.
I now know am not alone in this world and that is truly the best feeling.